Ten Years Later

I decided to go back and read some of the earliest entries of this journal, since it's nearly ten years old. Some people tried to tell me then, as a teenager, how insignificant my problems were, and how I shouldn't "angst" about them, and how I would realize when I was an adult how small those problems were.

As an adult at the age of twenty-six, looking back on this, What I realized is not how small those problems were; what I see now is how sad it is that a sixteen year old kid could go through such crippling depression and loneliness, and with so little help from the people around her.

I was an over-dramatic teenager, there's no doubt of that, but it was because I didn't know how to express myself maturely. In retrospect, I can see that while there were several little things that were insignificant, many of those problems were very real, even if the way I wrote about them at the time was childish. But that makes sense, doesn't it? I was barely more than a child. This journal was my way of coping. My self-esteem issues, my mental and emotional instability, and the struggles I went through in an apathetic school system, were either ignored or belittled. I did have a few (albeit very few) real friends who were there for me, and even though most couldn't fully understand, it was important to have people who cared. That gave me hope, at least. The only apparent adult who ever saw this (that I was aware of) and responded to it at the time was an anonymous commenter who told me to get over it. You don't just "get over" clinical depression. An adult should know that.
Teachers should know that, especially, but when I was in high school, the ones who were responsible for helping me through those issues just made my situation worse.

Despite those things, I grew up and learned how to manage my emotions; learned how to face my struggles, big and small, without letting myself get beat down by them. I learned how to cut toxic people out of my life, but also how to forgive people who had a negative impact but positive intentions. I have never fully cured my depression or anxiety but I've learned how to deal with them more effectively and how to look at them objectively. But all this, I did primarily on my own.
Growing up is not an easy task for anyone, and no one should belittle young people for it. They may lack the ability to communicate their problems in a mature or effective way, but that doesn't mean their struggles aren't real.

As a twenty-six year old woman, I think it's sad that a sixteen year old girl could go through so much loneliness, self-hatred and mental anguish without any real support or guidance, but I also realize how strong she must have been (stronger than she realized) to overcome these things without giving up on herself.

Summer vacation back to NY

Just got back from a week of vacation, Jordan and I went back to New York to spend time with family. Julia is back home from France for the summer. Grandma Della, Aunt Annie and Tomiko have moved back to New York from Florida, so I got to visit with them too, which is nice. My cousin Nic just graduated from high school, so we had a party at my parents' house. It's so weird to see him becoming an adult, I still remember him being a shy, tiny five-year-old when I first met him, and now he's so grown up and I'm so proud of him. He, his brother and their father are some of the only people from my Mom's side of the family I actually like (well their Dad is actually my Mom's brother-in-law, but he still counts), so it's good to see him succeed. It was nice to catch up with Annie, she's so fun and really easy to talk to. It was good to see Tomiko, too, especially since I haven't seen her in over a decade. It's also always really nice to spend time with my parents. The day after the party, I went on a hike with Dad and Julia, and our last night I stayed up late to talk with Mom about relationships, the future, family, until we almost fell asleep in the living room.
Hmm, what other random things happened?
-My friend Sharon made me Sailor Moon-themed jewelry: two pendants, one Moon-themed, and one Jupiter-themed.
-My parents have a pair of spears and a wooden device used to propel them, called an atlatl. The spears and atlatl were given to them by my friend Sara, whose Dad actually makes them by hand. Sara was at the party, and I happened to ask if she or her Dad would be able to teach me how to use an atlatl sometime. She said "Wait, your parents have one. Why not do it right now?" So we grabbed the spears and atlatl, took it outside, and ended up throwing spears across my parents' back yard. Sara said I was pretty good at it, and I have to admit, there's something really primal and satisfying about hurling a spear through the air, especially when it lands right where you want it to. Everyone else got to try, it was pretty fun, and it reminded me of practicing archery in high school, which is a hobby I would love to pick up again.
-Went shopping with Julia, Sharon and Brianne, and considering I don't have any super close female friends around here, as cliche as it might sound, shopping with my lady friends is really something I miss doing.
-Had a fun hike at Watkins Glen with my family, Jordan, and Brian. I love being out in nature, and spending time with some of my favorite people. We walked around the docks afterward, and Jules and I found a fortune teller machine like the one in "Big", and got our fortunes read. I don't remember mine exactly, but I have the card the machine gave me, and Julia took a video of "Zoltar" talking to me. We also ate at Mr. Chicken, which is always one of my favorite parts of going to Watkins Glen.
We spent time with Jordan's family for half of the trip, too. We always try to go back and fourth between families while we visit, so the middle of our week was spent in Ithaca. Jordan's Mom is always so great, she's also easy to talk to, she gives good advice, and she always lets us chill out and laze around her house as much as we want. Got to spend a little time with Skylar, and the doggies, but we didn't get to see Sierra much this time, unfortunately. Eating is also one of my favorite pastimes while in Ithaca (okay, it's one of my favorite pastimes EVERYWHERE, but especially in Ithaca), the food is amazing, there are so many nice restaurants you can only find there, and ones that are actually affordable and unique. I miss being able to eat Ithacan food every day. Awesome sandwiches, really great pizza, the best Thai food I've ever had, locally-made icecream, and mini potato pancakes! Nothing in this area of Massachusetts even comes close, honestly. I mean there's Quincy Market in Boston, which is great, but even then, it's just not the same. I love staying up late, sitting in bed, eating delicious food and watching TV shows and movies with Jordan at his Mom's house, especially with a forest trail practically right outside the window and downtown only a short walk away. It reminds me of when Jordan and I were still in college, and we could spend every day like that.

Okay, this got really long and it's three AM, I should probably go to sleep soon...

(no subject)

On Monday Jordan and I hosted an end of the summer party/get-together/thing, at our apartment for some friends who work with him & who we go bowling with, since we'll all be too busy to spend much time together as a group this semester, especially since Gabby is leaving for college. Everyone made and brought over food, we played some video games, but mostly just talked, ate and hung out until really late. I let everyone else do the planning, but I had fun playing hostess and ended up making a new biscuit recipe by mistake, which turned out really suprisingly well. Jordan made some amazing BLTs, as well as Dr. Pepper pork. Gabby made pasta salad and homemade bread, and garlic butter and honey butter to go with them. Mr. Wood and his girlfriend Caitlin brought over some chicken alfredo (I don't remember which of them made it), Joseph made some spicy chocolate cookie things, and Brian and Brianne brought the drinks. It's too hard to decide which food I liked best, but everyone's cooking was so good.

My Birthday is on Friday. Hard to believe, only because this year went by so quickly... I hope my 22nd year will be more exciting. Although I don't know whether I should be excited for the actual birthday or not, because I don't know what I'll be doing for it. But Trivania's birthday is coming up too, and I really want to see her! I miss the Trivy like crazy. So if you're reading this, let's plan to hang out soon.

(no subject)

Hmm, I hardly ever use this any more. Usually because anything exciting that happens requires a really long entry.
So instead of posting up long entries: to summarize, over the last couple of months, I went on a Darien Lake trip with Dad, Julia, Max and Charlelie. We had a fantastic time, going on rides, camping, making s'mores, enjoying the water park, making fun of the super-cheesy new shows, feeding the fish, stargazing, and getting tipsy on vodka before dancing around at the laser light show. I already can't wait to go again sometime. Max and Charlelie went back to France, and I miss them! And Julia has spent the month in France with Max and his family. I may get to go with them next time though, as long as I get a passport soon. When Charlelie left to go back, he told me "Next time, see you in France!" :D
I also went to the Strawberry Festival with my friends and had so much fun catching up with everyone, going to the new diner downtown, and the next day, getting cruddy $1 beer and $1 hotdogs, haha. The Strawberry Fest is only fun when you're there with friends, and luckily I got to be there with a lot of mine. The art gallery also had an art show with some of my pictures in it, so I saw a lot of my old high school art classmates. They've all done really well lately it seems, and had some neat adventures, so I'm happy for them!

Onto more current things:

Being hopeful is getting significantly easier, lately, because a lot of positive things are happening for me right now. Finally. At the same time, that makes me worried because every time I dare to get hopeful, something goes wrong and I'm suddenly back to square one again. I've been at square one for a long time. Still, as I said, things are looking up, and I aim to keep them that way.
Getting depressed, although it's unfortunately natural and sometimes inevitable for me, is something to which there is absolutely no point whatsoever. I try to avoid things that make me feel sad, and I go for what ever (within reason) keeps me happy. The avoidance part is kind of hard, because it means not thinking about anything negative that I know I can't change. But keeping myself happy so that I can be successful is what's important and necessary right now.

Last night Bri and I went to my parents' house, and we baked cookies with my Mom. I love baking and I missed my Mom, and I hardly see Brianne any more. Baking always makes me happy. The only thing I don't like about it doing the is the dishes afterwards, but Mom and Dad have a dishwasher, so that's not such a problem here. I'm going back to my apartment later, and Jordan gets back from his camping trip with Brian today, so I'll be really happy to see him.

Most importantly, I have a new job possibility opening up, but I don't want to elborate until I know if it's happening for sure this time. This place looks a lot more reliable. But again, I have the nervousness about getting hopeful. So we'll see how it all plays out.

Take care, everyone.
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    happy happy

Busy week, but very fun.

Last week was actually fairly eventful.
Jordan and I went over to Brian's house on Wednesday to hang out with he and Brianne, because Brian's graduation party was Thursday. Jordan got a campfire going in the back yard and Brian grilled some hot dogs and such, then we hung out by the fire, and we had some drinks and some laughs, though Brianne didn't drink with us because she had work in the morning, which was a shame. Unfortunately there was some drama happening that night, but out of politeness for the people involved, I'm not going to get into detail about it here. It was resolved later anyway, and I'm glad for that.

The next day we woke up pretty early. Hooray for no one having a hang over. I don't think any of us drank quite enough for that. Brian made us breakfast, then most of the day was spent playing with Brian's niece and nephew, who are sweet kids. Brian was also kind enough to let me use his printer to make prints for the art show I'll be participating in later this month, since I don't have a printer of my own.
For the party, Brian's parents brought home his graduation cake and a crazy amount of chicken wings, ribs and other snacks. Yum! Brianne came back from work in time for dinner and cake, thankfully! I was so worried she might not show, since she had such a busy day. Later we all went for a walk together, sat by the stream, saw some cows and a creepy old house, and then after we got back, Brianne drove me to my parents' house, because Friday was Julia's prom.

So Friday, Julia's boyfriend Max and his cousin Charlelie took me to the art gallery to drop off my things, and then picked up the corsages they ordered for Julia and Caitlin. Later after Julia and the boys got ready, we all met up with Caitlin and her family and we took pictures of the prom dates together. When the prom-goers went out to dinner, Caitlin's father and sister came back with us to my parents' house and we watched some TV and had pizza. (Yikes, I ate worse this week than I ever do normally, but it was fun at least.)
Then at nine, we watched the prom arrival ceremony, which was really nice. Julia, Max, Charlelie and Caitlin all seemed to be having a great time, so I'm happy that they had so much fun.

Well now I'm back at my apartment, even though I had fun last week, it's always good to be home again. Last night Jordan and I went out for dinner at a local Japanese cafe, then when we got home, Jordan participated in a live, online game show on XBox, which was really neat; his Xbox avatar got to be in the audience of the show but even audience members get to answer questions. He knew a lot of them, but I got to help out with some too.
And today I'm going to finally go buy The Sims 3! I can't wait!!
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    excited excited

(no subject)

I went to visit my parents and to run some errands in town.
My parents were having a 'barbecue', which turned out to be actually just my family sitting inside watching American Idol and making Julia's boyfriend grill hotdogs and veggie burgers. But, it's all good, because Felix came over to hang out with me. We watched American Idol, which such a weird show. We were kind of being dicks and making fun of everything, so I hope my Mom wasn't too bothered by us messing around. Then we hung out in my back yard and had some wine and called Mondo for bit, too.
I ended up spending the night at Felix's house, and his Dad made us Belgian waffles for breakfast the next morning. We played Rock Band for a while, and he drew me the little purple bunny icon I'm using now, as well as a bat and werewolf too:

Photobucket Photobucket

I'm glad I got to see him, it was a lot of fun. I also briefly ran into Dave (visiting his family as well) the other day, too.
Other than that though, I haven't finished any of the errands I needed to run. I need to get printer paper and look at affordable framing materials and such, so that I can print my digital art for the A.P. Art reunion show I'm supposed to be in. But aside from picking up my new phone with Dad, I haven't managed to do anything I came here for, because no one wants to drive me to the store! And no one wants to drive me back to my apartment, either. To be honest I don't want to be here if I can't get anything done. Nothing against my parents, it's just that everyone's too busy with other things around here, so there isn't anything for me to do. I was only planning on staying until last night anyway, but now I can't get back until tomorrow.
Aside from that, I don't know. I've just been feeling really... hrm, not very good, lately. So it's nice to see friends, so I can stop thinking about everything else.
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    annoyed Hmf
Red Hot Chili Peppers

My first day at work

My first day of work went pretty well. I only made a couple of mistakes on the register, but the customers were understanding, since I was still being trained. Paul (the owners' son) was nice, and really patient. I'm starting to get the hang of things already though, so I'm not too worried. I did better than I expected. For most of the day I worked at the register, then re-stocked the drink cooler, did dishes, and swept the floor. Aside from cleaning, the main part of the job is mostly just repetition (which buttons to push in which order), being nice to customers, and remembering prices. All-in-all, I like it so far.

The only negative is, it's been so slow there lately that my boss doesn't need me to work very many hours, so I still don't have a set schedule. However, they do still need my help, so I'm pretty much just waiting for her to tell me when to come in. I'd like a schedule, and ideally I'd like to be working 12-15 hours a week, because I could really use the money, and that would also give me plenty of time to do what ever else with the rest of my week. But I'll have to wait and see what happens.