Some stupid Angel (bunnyinthemoon) wrote,
Some stupid Angel

Ten Years Later

I decided to go back and read some of the earliest entries of this journal, since it's nearly ten years old. Some people tried to tell me then, as a teenager, how insignificant my problems were, and how I shouldn't "angst" about them, and how I would realize when I was an adult how small those problems were.

As an adult at the age of twenty-six, looking back on this, What I realized is not how small those problems were; what I see now is how sad it is that a sixteen year old kid could go through such crippling depression and loneliness, and with so little help from the people around her.

I was an over-dramatic teenager, there's no doubt of that, but it was because I didn't know how to express myself maturely. In retrospect, I can see that while there were several little things that were insignificant, many of those problems were very real, even if the way I wrote about them at the time was childish. But that makes sense, doesn't it? I was barely more than a child. This journal was my way of coping. My self-esteem issues, my mental and emotional instability, and the struggles I went through in an apathetic school system, were either ignored or belittled. I did have a few (albeit very few) real friends who were there for me, and even though most couldn't fully understand, it was important to have people who cared. That gave me hope, at least. The only apparent adult who ever saw this (that I was aware of) and responded to it at the time was an anonymous commenter who told me to get over it. You don't just "get over" clinical depression. An adult should know that.
Teachers should know that, especially, but when I was in high school, the ones who were responsible for helping me through those issues just made my situation worse.

Despite those things, I grew up and learned how to manage my emotions; learned how to face my struggles, big and small, without letting myself get beat down by them. I learned how to cut toxic people out of my life, but also how to forgive people who had a negative impact but positive intentions. I have never fully cured my depression or anxiety but I've learned how to deal with them more effectively and how to look at them objectively. But all this, I did primarily on my own.
Growing up is not an easy task for anyone, and no one should belittle young people for it. They may lack the ability to communicate their problems in a mature or effective way, but that doesn't mean their struggles aren't real.

As a twenty-six year old woman, I think it's sad that a sixteen year old girl could go through so much loneliness, self-hatred and mental anguish without any real support or guidance, but I also realize how strong she must have been (stronger than she realized) to overcome these things without giving up on herself.
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